writing is my savior

you ever get excited about a blank piece of paper because your mind can go into any area it wants to go. writing is freedom. it is a trip of the imagination that others can take with you.

last night i got a call from my past. you ever talk to the first girl you made love to and hear her voice 6 years later. you feel strange inside as if all these emotions you thought you could bottle up and make disappear erupt like a volcano in the heart. all those mixed emotions of love, depression and warmth are instantly bled though the soul. glad thats over.

saw this old guy this morning and he said he just liked walking around and doing nothing and was just wanted to kill time. it sounded so sad to me. he seemed like such a lost soul just searching for something. i almost wanted to shed a tear for him.

last night i went to eat at this ethiopian restaurant with my father. i've had an ethiopian experience before but it was strange. i am not used to eating with my fingers. the whole meal is eaten with your hands. can you believe it. it feels so savage yet entertaining because you can't be judged for eating with your hands. remember when mom always said don't be a barbarian and eat with your hands. well in their culture it is acceptable. not to call ethiopian people barbarians but i just think it is so cool that you can through all the social rules out the window when you enter into a different world and different society. like imagine ethiopian people using a knife and fork and thinking, damn, american people are strange.

worked the whole day yesterday. real men work on saturdays. and they also take 3 days of a week.

the purpose of life? still haven't answered this one but i have been listening to this dr. Wayne Dyer tape. i am a tape junky. i have to admit it. he talks about gratitude and how you should be thankful for things. also he talks about not being so afraid to blaze your own path in life and step away from the tribal mentality. i think about that. i want to find myself and something more than me. been practicing some meditation as of recent days as well. like i will bow down and acknowledge the greatness of God. as if i was stepping into his presence. like if God really existed and you were to step into his presence how would you feel. would you be able to stand in the presence of greatness? i feel like you would just bow because you had no choice but to bow down. i think in life we find difficulties when we attempt to stand in the presence of God. like it comes from this mentality of the ego and thinking that we are equal to the all powerful. if you stop to think about it, it is a farce. how could you ever equal something that is greater then you. the bowing does create this sense of humbleness. like i am small compared to the infinite. it also gives you the freedom to just be free. it is hard to stand. bowing and being low allows you to flow easier. it is when you stand that the weight of the world falls on your shoulders.

probably have to leave soon. later.

-anonymous

how do you get bigger?

listening to stories of an ambassador. how do you get big. like big time. like political huge. thats what i'm thinking about. i have this inner lust for power that just grows inside of me. its twisted. its messed up. but i love it like i love this delicious bao in my mouth. so tasty.

i have visions of becoming this super leader. the problem with the picture in my dreams is that when i am powerful, i am in rags instead of a fine two piece suit and tie. i'm leading this revolution of people but i'm broke. i'm on this sandy mountain with this ragged pair of shorts as if i've been living on a secluded island in the story of robinson crusoe. it kinda sucks. i'm so powerful but broke. i got my fist up in the air an army of followers. strange. could these dreams of a future be true. probably not.

so i also had this vision of the world ending. the end of days. there are these two massive armies going after each other in this tower for the end of days. a global battle. strange.

anyways. todays a good day. passed some test and now i get to keep a job. good times.

just learning and trying to be myself. saying whatever i think. still living anonymously though. you'll never figure that part out.

-anonymous

going to california

where do i want to go today? i ask myself that question sometimes. like if you have a day off and ultimate freedom what would you do? i think i would spend a good portion of my day listening to music. i love music. like i figured out this new thing of how to turn a youtube video into an mp3 file. pretty cool stuff. then you take that mp3 and put it on an ipod. can you believe that what i just wrote took my 8 hours to figure out how to do. now that i know i feel awesome.

which brings me to the point that i like struggle if it is my struggle. like i spent 8 hours trying to figure that out but it was worth the time spent because i wanted to do it. if you spend time doing things you want to do it feels good. it is like a journey that you want to take.

i think i want to be a financial adviser. i would feel like your tour guide through the financial universe that is exciting to me. there is just so much to learn about it. so so much but baby steps and baby steps and i'll get there.

i went to the store yesterday to do some clothing shopping. i was going to buy these t-shirts and then i took my shirt off and was surprised. i wasn't surprised in a bad way but in a good way. like i've been working out for the last month and a half doing push ups and running and my body is looking pretty decent. i decided being half naked looked a lot better than wearing a t-shirt so i decided to buy nothing.

i think i didn't buy anything either because it just didn't fit right as well. i used to buy things that didn't fit right just because i thought i could make it work. that is probably the worst thing you can do. like your internal instincts know what is good and what is bad and what you should do and what you should not do. so if you know that you can't take that shirt to the tailor and make it 100% perfect than you better not buy it. like i took this pair of jeans to the tailor and he fixed it up and they look great. yea, i dropped like $150 or more on it but i love the way it looks and feels. i think it was worth the money. so what if i only have one pair of jeans. at work you can't wear jeans anyways. but the point is it is better to have one really expensive item that you can be proud about rather than have 10 items that you think are decent and stylish for that moment. just get those timeless pieces and you will be golden.

went to the doctors office yesterday for a physical check up. i think the best part about it was that the female doctor had to check me for testicular cancer. does life get any better. someone who has to touch your balls for medical reasons. i think honestly i would go in for testicular cancer exams all the time if it didn't cost me $20 co-pay to go see her. i think i just like the concept of a female doctor touching my balls. like it brings you back to memories of some cheap porno flick that had something like that happen. a pure fantasy world.

been listening to this song called sweetest girl by wyclef. they got this line in there that says "cash rules everything around me". man, cash is good. i love that line.

nice, two lovers meeting up in a cafe. does life get any better than that. you think and hear something sweeter? i'm sitting in a cafe and thats what is going on next to me. like the girl was saying "oh, i was just thinking about you". and sometimes hearing something like that wants to make you vomit... that of course unless you are on the other side of that saying. then you think "damn, i am the man".

about the love life: you ever see this picture of this girl and then you meet her and then you think i'm in love with her and who knows, maybe you are. and then you start thinking how am i going to get this girl. and you want to do whatever it takes to go get her. yeah, never felt like that either. who comes up with that stuff.

just thinking about this section in a book called liar's poker. it talks about these guys working at a financial institution who eat an crazy amount. like they vacuum food. i want to be like that. i just want to spend like $100 on chinese food and just eat it all. just wolf it down. or eat 15 macdonald big macs just for the pure pleasure of it. pure satisfaction. or eat 60 candy bars and just eat my face off. something about eating that i love. i love the sport of it. i love getting fat. i love it.

you ever have this vision of love of two people, including yourself, frolicking in a field and holding hands together while the sun blazes down upon your two souls. with two big stupid smiles across you faces. yea, sounds stupid. sounds like love. the images are laughable. who came up with this stuff.

taking tests all day wears me out. but i kinda just want to keep on going. like i just want to become a test taking machine. i just want to keep on going and going and going like the energizer bunny. that is the type of mentality i want in life. i want to be that go getter that doesn't quit until i get what i want. why quit? be a relentless force of desire.
-anonymous

a day in the life

i woke up and i went to work today. i've been trying this new thing where i try to wake up early and sleep early. i remember this saying that was said by somebody that says early to rise and early to bed make for a successful person. i've been trying out this lifestyle for a week and it just does not work. i do feel like i have a lot of energy in the morning but when you have energy doing a job you are not too enthusiastic about it just isn't the same.

i thought about logging my life down and writing down things that happen. like at work i ate some papa ginos pizza. people are work thought i was an animal cause i ate like 6 slices. i love pizza day. does life get any better?

i took a little break from work and was outside chilling with a co-worker. the outside grounds of where i work are very well maintained. almost to a scary perfection. i have never seen grass so well cut. i guess when you hire professionals you get a professional job.

i've been thinking about how work goes and how you have to divide up the work to make things successful. meaning that if i don't want to do something i should outsource it to someone who does. this way i save time and have more time to do the things i want and i get what i want and the person doing the job i was suppose to do gets money. like i don't like ironing my shirts. i do it because i want to look sharp on the job but if i had it my way i would rather have someone else do it for me. so i thought why not work an hour of over time so i could have all of my clothing ironed for me. it would save me so much time. i am good at ironing but i takes me like 10 minutes to iron a shirt.

so i was sitting out side with my co-worker and this really hot chick in my office walks by. shes got this dark skin and real nice boobies. she also has a fat butt. sometimes you look at a butt and think that it doesn't look good in a pair of pants. but would it look good if that person was naked. like does a fat butt look better when you see the whole butt or when it is covered up. i know what you girls do to cover up a fat butt. you wear a skirt. the long draping action of the skirt dissipates your fat buttness so that it looks acceptable... almost lovable. i love it. i really do.

so i come home from work and i think i just want to blog. i had a conversation with another co-worker and he said he wants to make big bucks so that he can retire at 35 and do whatever he wants to do. the question is... why don't you do what you want to do right now. why do you always have to wait until you are really rich or this time or that time. is the right time right now? like just get going and saddle up. cause that made me think about work. am i doing what i want to do? i used to think like i can't wait to get super rich so i can do what i want to do. but when you look at the super rich they do what they want to do all the time. like i was just looking at this guy called jason burton. he does burton snow boards and he has this passion for snowboarding and he made it into a business. to have the best board. that is genius mixed with business savvy. thats who i want to be. but would would i want to do. thats the questions. back to the drawing board.

strange thing. so i was joking around with a co-worker and i said, imagine if i was wearing a $200 pair of pants, $300 shoes, a $100 belt, and a $2500 watch. he said your joking and i said hahaha, yeah... funny thing though is that i wasn't joking. what the BLEEP am i smoking to have spent that much stuff on clothing. sometimes in life you want to wear all this nice stuff but do people really care. like they do but mostly it just covers up some inadequacy i feel inside.

my political section. i love reading websites like digg.com and reddit.com. but they are bad for your health. they get you fired up about whats going on in the world and make you think if change is possible. these sites are very focused on the presidential election on 2008. do you think bush messed up? are you ready for change. it talks about this candidate called ron paul and dennis kucinich. like you hear their message and you get fired up about the possible change that can happen in the world. i support them. the websites also poop on rudy giuliani and bush and a number of other people. like do people really care whats going on in the world. do people care about politics. maybe its because i am older and now i just want to get fired up over something. like i believe that change can happen. am i ignorant? i just want more out of life.

are people seeing this revolution happening in burma lead by these monks. i think this is amazing. wonder what is going to happen. i'm sure the government is going to start spraying and killing a bunch of people. thats how you put down an uprising.

and lastly... well i think thats about it for me. just writing down some thoughts in my head. hope you enjoyed.

-anonymous