more old xanga post

june 26 2007

friends of blank are coming over tomorrow. hell ya. well we will see what happens but i kinda think girls are stupid. they really are dumb. i kinda see the only value in them is fucking them. is that so bad of a view point. maybe i just haven't met the right girl yet. other things in life. the money is rolling in and now i am kinda saving it. work week is almost over and i got some more money. yea! hell yea. that is always a good thing.

learning more things. learning japanese on the rosetta stone. was thinking about an idea. to become a writing and review items. i think i am good at it. but anything you do eventually becomes a job. crazy right? and then you get sick of it. like if i didn't have to do it i could do it for hours on end. if i have to do it i want to do it. like not getting what you want in life? strange as fuck. what if i could want what i have. i have what i want. i have a nice family. i have all the things anyone could ever want in life. i just want more more more. i am crazy. i am a crazy son of a bitch. fuck!

june 24 2007

holy crap. i saw my grandma today and she is nearing the end of her life. that is some pretty powerful stuff to witness in your life. to see someone you care about close to dying. it made me cry. it really made me cry. it made me want to just value the importance of my life. the value of time.

when people die and you don't care about them it doesn't hurt. but when someone close to you is about to die it makes the world of difference. like you just need one more moment with them. and you take things so for granted. like everything in the world you just take it for granted. like tomorrow will just come. but in reality you just never know if tomorrow is going to come. you have to be more and more generous. you just have to be. you have to give more. you just have to be more. that is the way of the warrior. be more. i am more. i am more. i am more.

june 23 2007

things to do today. i am going to go buy these pens from levengers. i am glad that eric liked his birthday gift. thank god for richie ma to put together everything. shit i owe him so fucking money now. all good now that i have a job. got some pants done by jack today. he looks tired and it is good that he is getting a break and going to cape cod. he must have been working so fucking hard. you have to work hard to get what you want in life.

things to do go get. go get some custom suits. that shit is going to be so fucking hot. i need to save up fucking $1000 bones to go get a suit. fucking crazy. whatever it takes to get the suit done right. and some custom shirts. i can't wait to be a fucking baller. it is going to be so fucking awesome. i can't fucking wait.

anything else to look forward to? just reading more about the market and getting more books about money. i need to go buy an ipod. shit. i am spending money like crazy but at least i am getting things. so it is all fucking good.

can't wait for some of my friends to come back home. friends like jon hung and jeff tang. that is going to be a lot of fucking fun. i need to chill out and relax. i like working. i need to be more focused at work. things are getting better and better everyday. alright. things are going to get better and better every day. i need a girlfriend? yea do i? sometimes i think about it and how i want to fuck and then sometimes i don't want to fuck random girls. i want something special. sometimes i just feeling horny. i just want something special. i just want god to drop and angel down from heaven. i am sure it is going to happen. what do you mean by rich? fucking boy band rich. i want to make a million dollars a year. that is what i want. then i can just fucking give it all away. give it away to friends and buy them shit. buy them cool stuff. buy myself cool stuff. donate it to the church and set up a trust account and then have it grow and have it feed the church so that people don't need to donate money anymore. i want to save the world. i want to buy my brother that condo and pay for it. he has been so good to me. i want to pay off my own condo. i want to have one million in my retirement account at the age of 35. i remember when i wanted to retire at 30. i was fucking crazy. i am working hard but i am learning to be more relaxed. new thing i learned today. always walk and sit with confidence and with a strait back. just do it. just always be confident. just always act confident. have the right body posture and things will work out great. things always work out great. things always work out for the best. i love my life. i love my life. i am just so thankful for God for all that he has given me. i am learning japanese on rosetta stone for free which is from cary library in lexington. that is like $5000 worth of free education. i am so fucking horny in getting it. i am so fucking happy about that. this is going to be so fucking awesome. anything else going on? no. go to see edward hopper exhibit. enjoy my life and do things every day. every day in every way i am getting better and better. yea man. i am the shit... haha... i flatter myself. anyways. good day world.

june 22 2007

so i got back from work. that was fun drinking with my friends from work. i think this girl like me who sits next to me. i looked her over and i don't like her anymore. i just don't think she has the mental capacity to keep up with me. i am just too fucking smart. this sucks. it is so hard to find the right girl. i am a superstar. i am on the trajectory to just be number one. i am the best. i am feeling real cocky these days. i need to bring it down a notch and be humble. so what next. i think lets go through things i want. i think i want a custom suit. i am going to go for pants first. from this place austor and craft or something like that. then after that another belt. i like my new shoes. fucking hot shit. this is important. the knowledge i give to others is worth rocket fucking fuel. i got some really good shit from tuan. yea, i got some awesome shit from him. so what next. i don't really know. i have sex with hot women. oh yea. this is the e wong story of the week. i saw this girl and she looked exactly like the hooker i fucked in san francisco. HAHAHAHA. i took one look at her and thought... i already fucked you! YEA BITCH! awesome. so fucking awesome.

june 21 2007

i go through my life just wondering what it is all about. i hear this one song and it touches me so deeply i wonder what i am living for. i want to party and fuck chicks and other things are going on in the world and i just don't care. somebody out there is hurting and i just want to fuck and make money. am i fucked up. am i selfish? i really am a piece of shit. i hate myself. i am all about doing crazy self help bullshit but sometimes the real me and the true me comes out. i have some fucked up lips right now and i don't have perfect skin. but i tell myself everyday that i have a huge penis. i have perfect skin and i have a great attitude. i tell myself that i love myself and that i am great. that i am the best. and i do it in hopes of it becoming a reality. i tell myself this everyday. that i am getting better and better and that i am special and i am a unique individual. but sometimes i just start to think that i am not much. that i am nothing. that i am a piece of shit. the glory of man is attempting to be god. we just want to be god so badly and anyone who can pour in enough effort and time we see a glimps of what god could be like. what perfection could be like. what perfection could be. and we go on this emotional roller coaster ride into emotion land trying to find love, peace, joy and happiness. and we trap ourselves in our own prisons. what is it all about? fucking life. just live. just live.

so i have been about 1 month into training. i like it. it moves kinda slow though. i have been looking at suits. i want a custom suit. like three of them. i think that would be hot shit. yea. that would be awesome. i am such a small guy so i have to work with what i have and i want a great look. you know what i mean. i just want to look awesome. music? no. what is my passion in life. i like clothing right now but i honestly like my job. i enjoy reading investopedia.com until my eyes bleed and shit like that. so what next? i want to be the boss. i want to own these niggas. i want to get a wife. i've been thinking about this girl coming from taiwan called angela. i think i want to marry her but i am just going crazy. i have to settle my life down. it is all over the place. you know what i mean. i have to settle my life down. i just want to have fun and enjoy my life. things to do is to drink more water. blank is a good guy. i like everybody in my class. i like that blank. why does this girl blank laugh at everything i say. i must be fucking halarious. fuck yea. moving on though. we have the same fucking birthday. do you think that your birthday and year of birth effect what type of person you become. you are crazy. i think having great parents made me the man i am today. i am so thankful for having great parents and great friends. it is so awesome. i love my family and friends. i love my aunt. she gave me tickets to blue man group. that was a fun time. i love my second uncle. he is so funny. i love my cousin blank. he is my favorite. i just have fun with him all the time. we grew up together. so it was awesome. i love him. i love my life. i am just so thankful to have it. i am thankful to god for such a beautiful world to live in. it really is so very awesome. it really is awesome. goals and other stuff? i dunno. i think the world is good. life is good. haha, my mom called irene a ho. so fucking funny. what a fucking ho. i love it.

may 29 2007

so another day is going by. i am learning about brinks and flowers and find it all very fascinating. I think that i have a lot to learn in life and i have a passion for learning. i love to know new things and i feel like knowing something and applying it is power. i want to be very very powerful.

may 27 2007

so this is what has been happening in my life. i realize that i am a big loser and that i am a really shy guy. like i have a hard time approaching people. i approached a couple of girls last night and i failed. i felt like shit. but i kept on pressing onward. i am always at there with the i don't give a fuck attitude and that is good. after a couple of flame outs my mind had to stop the pain. it was hard. i mentally broke down and that was hard for me. i felt like such a pussy but that is good learning experience.

i guess that is what bothers me. i had fun with that hooker in san francisco but it was kind of fucked up. like somebody could make that type of money that fast. and how many people had fucked her. and i fucked her. so fucking stupid. i can't believe i did something so dumb. i fucking hate myself for it. i hate my friends for making me do it. that is kinda stupid to say but i really feel that. i feel so much fucking pressure when 4 people called me a fucking pussy and kept on egging me on to fuck a hooker. like what was the whole point of that. what did that accomplish. as a christian man, you know that is against my religion and yet you egg me on to do it. that got me really fucking mad and upset. i know you mean well but what the fuck was that shit. fuck fuck fuck. it still bothers me. almost as much as the time i got dumped by that girl freshman year. it just sits in a really uncomfortable place. the you said to do it and then you didn't do it yourself. granted you have a girlfriend right now but don't fucking lead people where you don't want to step. that to me is fucked up. fuck, it is over now. you can't take it back. it is over. i made my choice and i will have to live with it. what a dumb fucking choice. i would rather have a ipod nano than fuck that chick. fuck, i can use my hands. i guess this is just part of me growing up and the pain i am going through to grow up. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

got a new job. that is pretty cool. that makes me happy. anything else. went out last night. i think i am getting better and better everyday though. i am able to handle rejection a whole lot better and am able to mold and mend my mental states better. another plus. so that is about it. fucking wish i was taller. wish i had a huge cock. wish for all these magical things. it is hard for me to just appreciate the things i have in life. i always want more. there is this fucking hunger inside of me that just wants more and more and more. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

do i really like my life. do i enjoy myself. do i like my own company? no no no. i think i am always on this mission to solve some type of big riddle in life and the riddle is to just fucking chill the fuck out. in a ways i try too hard. i guess it might come from this napolian complex that says i have to be great because i have so much to prove. i have this huge chip on my fucking shoulders. i don't have to prove shit. i am me. fucking love me or hate me. fuck you. this is who i am.

why all the hate. i guess the truth is coming out. what is in my heart. oh well. at least it is released now. somewhere on cyberspace. and that brings me joy. being more honest in life. i guess that is where we go from here. later and amen. take care of yourself. you can do it.

may 13 2007

alright then. the purpose of life is learning. or is it god. all that mumbo jumbo. whatever the fuck i have to do i ahve to do. don't you just want to walk around the world and do whatever the fuck you want to do. and buy whatever the fuck you want to buy. and just do that. live like an animal but then live civilized as well when need be. that is waht i want. that is what i want? what do i want? to do whatever the fuck i want to do. to make good choices. if you had all the money in the world what would you do? that is the question. then do it. why not? why not i ask. then do it. i have twenty thousand dollars of play money all saved up. i am going to do whatever the fuck i want. i am going to do whatever i want. why not right? why not.


what the fuck should I do today? I think i am going to go down this insurance road. I got a job and I am going to take it. And work my way up the ladder. Man this is going to suck at first but i think after a while it will be good. I will become an allstar. YEA BABY!

things to do. go to church today. and do some other stuff. fuck fuck fuck. alright, i have been taking a good break. let us figure things out. first priority is to do some god stuff. I actually like that jacket at united beneton.

may 10 2007

so what is going on now? just talked it over with a friend and this is a high hustle game. this financial service game is so fucking hard. it is like i want to quit every day and i feel like shit. but it reminds me a lot like pledging for a fraternity. in the beginning it was so fucking shitting. you had to do all of this shit and do all of these push ups and feel like garbage all of the time. for what? was there a fucking rainbow at the end? to be honest? yes there was. i can now see the fruits of my labor. but that is four fucking years afterwards. or even more. it took a long time to see the outcome and if i keep up with my small time thinking i will not be able to see past that. is this something i want to do? i think so. my goals are still the same. i want to help people. and my skill sets lie with money and food. i like eating and i like money. so helping people pay themselves first is very important. to get accounts though is the hard part. you have to be always selling and that is a little bit hard for my personality. it does make me push myself to grow though.

my fucking job right now. if i quit now or if i quit later it is going to be the same fucking shit. i don't even want to go now. my feelings say fuck it. i need to continue on with this path of trying to get this financial shit down. didn't you see how he broke it down? 25 clients ahead. they can't all be fucking lawyers and shit like that. they can't all be accountants. or can they? they can't be all small business owners. the most important thing is to be confidence in the beginning. you just have to get 15 forms filled out. that is the most important part. after that you just have to figure other things out. just ask questions. just ask.

it is so fucking hard to ask for what you want in life. you think of rejection as so god damn awful. but is it really that bad? i think you just get better at it. you learn from it. the real boss has to go through some rejection before he gets to where he needs to get to. it takes time to build yourself up. i like this then. this is the first wall i have hit. and i now have to overcome it.

goals? fill out 15 surveys by wednesday. eat healthy. continue to read books. quit my job. fill out 15 surveys. make a list of people. i can't do that here but i can do it. goals are to liquidate my scottrade account. that way i will have more money. freeze my account for now. for $12. that is good for now. next thing is to get a new job. liquidate my account at scottrade. main goal is to stick with something. i just have to stick with things.

so the main task is i need more reasons as to why i want to do this. if i don't have enough reason i won't be able to complete the task. why would you want to buy from northwestern mutual? have been around for a long time.

may 9 2007

kinda fucking nervous. Have an interview today. hope i don't fuck it up. need to get some sleep. holy shit. good god. fuck fuck fuck!!!

may 6 2007

so, what the fuck is going on? been so fucking busy with life. been doing tons and tons of shit and i guess things are looking up. i feel like i am on crack every fucking day. i start the day running and i don't stop until i get home and pass out. so what really freaks me out is i think i have some type of strange spirit in my condo. when i am taking a shower the light turns off and then it turns back on again. i thought it was strange. maybe it is something to do with the electricity but it has happened twice to me. we will figure that out later.

i really liked going to dc and seeing a lot of my fraternity brothers. it was a nice experience. i realized that i have to think bigger and just having this network of people in the fraternity is huge. it makes me that much more dangerous of a person. that sounds cocky and stupid. i just think it is nice to know more people because you have more resources at your fingertips. and that is a good thing.

what i want out of life? for some reason i am thinking about making $100,000 in 3 years. that is my goal. and i will get there. that sounds cocky too. i just really want to get there bad. i don't know why. i just want to.

in 5-7 years i want to get to $250 k and then in 10-15 years get to 500k to 1 mil a year. i guess i am crazy. i just want a comfortable life. a crazy life where i am always doing and using my talents to the best of my abilities. i want to get rid of this strange crust that has developed around my lip. i have this strange skin disease and i have to get rid of it.

hrm... got to get prepared for some round two interviews. the northwestern mutual guy told me to write out 10 questions for the second round interview. wonder what to ask. got another second round on friday this week. so much to fucking do! i need a fucking break. i feel like i am going and working on overdrive. FUCK FUCK FUCK! it is kinda exciting but i need rest baby.

good night.

april 30 2007

what the fuck is going on? I am trying to figure out what to do next with my life and i just talked to my dad. i dont want to be my dads cock sucking whore for the rest of my life. it really sucks when you fucking do that. i want to do something else with my life. i want to go for the stars. shoot for something real big. i want to think fucking huge. i think too small time. this is what my friends have taught me. i wonder if others can read this post if it is protected. i wonder what a protected post means. anyways.

fuck... i am done. going to go talk to god. maybe right something later.

okay so i woke up. worked on my resume. did some talking to god. read some bible. day has been going pretty well. what else do i have to do today? i got to go to work at 11:50. eat, clean some dishes. i want to eat healthy. i have this fucking stubborn acne on my fucking face. i ate a godiva chocolate bar. it was raspberry. it tasted fucking amazing. give my cousin this water bill. pay some bills online. fuck!!! i owe money. i gotta pay these bastards off. they provide me services i need like water and electricity so somebody has got to get paid.

i think about that. where does all the tax dollar go. why the fuck is it inefficient. and then what am i doing about it. absolutely nothing. so why can you fucking complain if you are doing nothing about it. if you really want to change it then get in a position to do so. i am sure when you learn more and more about taxes you will probably understand why the government does what it does. everyone does something for some reason.

privacy. can people read this. like people outside the club house. no. it is a protected post but i am sure the government has some way to read this post. they can do anything. but the question is why. they wouldn't bother because i am such small time shit. you think about it. how many big time people do you know. absolutely zero. i don't know one big time person. one person that has somewhat made it. a fucking celebrity. i don't know any. don't quit your fucking day job then.

got an interview tomorrow. i am scared. i fucked up my first one. this mother fucking negro. black people always trying to keep the asian man down. fucker. i'll show this piece of shit.

april 24 2007

Wow, it has been one month and two weeks since I last updated. I feel like a different person. I have been living in this condo for about a month and a half now. I have been grabbing boobies recently. I actually had my first booby grabbing experience. I was scared at first... but then I just went for it and grabbed some titties.

When I first moved into my condo I had made a commitment to myself to not jerk off. It actually lasted a whole two month and I think I was going crazy. I am a proud watcher of porno once again. But to be honest... I am not liking porno as much as I used to. I used to love pornography but I feel like I am different these days. I feel like I want a real relationship with somebody I care about and love.

I am working on myself. I hit the gym up with my friend now. It is better to work out with somebody rather than work out alone in my opinion. You get a better work out and the work out goes by faster. I hate being alone in the gym just me with the weights. It feels so boring. When you are with a friend life just goes by so much easier.

The future? I am working and P.F. Chang's and I like it there. I have stolen all of their secrets! I think I am done with the restaurant business. It is going to be my back up plan now. I always had a dream of opening a restaurant but I don't like getting dirty. I think for me, my favorite part is promoting a restaurant. Like telling people how good it is.

Which brings me to the point that I have been on a BURRITO BINGE recently. I don't know why but I just love burritos. I ate one at Anna's Taqueria and it was one tasty beef burrito with cheese. I also ate one at this place called Herta's near P.F. Chang's. I feel like I have been called on mission to find the BEST BURRITO in Boston. I now want to eat at this place called Quedobo's and also Boloco. I still like Chipolte. I like their steak burritos. OH MY GOD... all this talk about burritos is making me so hungry.

Anyway... I have been going to the museum. Trying to get a life. The museum of fine arts in Boston is quite the place. I went a second time this month and the second time you do something it is nowhere as thrilling as the first. I was 10 times less impressed by the museum this time than last time. I am always looking for a high. I think I might need to go to the museum in NYC. That would be my cup of tea. By always first master you own domain.
Going to DC soon. Going to see some fraternity brothers. I used to think this fraternity was stupid but now I like it. I like seeing my friends and it gives me a reason to go back... or I would never go back to DC. So this is great. Also founding your own fraternity on campus makes me feel special. I like feeling special.

God... that is my life. I like eating fish. Going to go buy a Brooks Brothers suit. Learning the fine art of shaving my non-existent mustache. I use a single blade instead of a Mach 3 because 3 blades is too harsh on my skin. Also got this shaving cream from B.O. Bigalow called Geo Trimer. Something like that. A London company that has been around since 1817. That's a long time. It should be exciting getting a shave.

Things I have learned. Getting a haircut and looking presentable makes you more attractive to ladies. I didn't know that if I shaved my head and wore beat up clothing people would not like me. Apparently if you look good people like you. I have learned me lesson. Always look good. Always look presentable.

I think I want to learn some chi-gong. Chi-gong is the ancient Chinese martial arts form that involves breathing techniques. Okay, scratch that thought.

Been reading books! Read Words that Work. This Kurt Vonegan book and these books on being a gentleman. I want to be a gentleman. I want to be one so I can make sweet love to a classy lady. I think that is what I want out of life. I want a classy lady. It takes so much effort to be a gentleman though. You have to always be considerate of others. I like just going through the world doing my own thing and at times screwing the occasional person. But being a gentleman means making it a better place for others and making others have a easier time in this world. What if everyone was a gentleman. The world might be a better place.

Wow, that is about it. Enough out of me. Take care world. Good night and God bless.

Oh... I read something on gun control after the VT shootings. I think it is an interesting topic. What if more people had guns. Would that lower crime. Would it make the world a friendlier place? I think that if more people had guns I would be respectful of more people. And they would respect me because hey, we are both packing heat. It is a tough debate. I like the side for having guns. I like the side for taking away guns. Issues are not always so simply solved.

For example. Birth control and abortion. By aborting those babies, you have less crime and less people in prison because if those babies had been born they would have been born into a bad situation and environment. Yes, it is true that people can rise out of a poor living condition but does that always happen. I would say 1% out of 99% get out of their poor environments. So then you could say abortion is good. It is hard to raise a kid right these days. It takes tons of money and free time. Things that most people do not have these days. Not saying I am for abortion or against it. Just saying you need to think about both sides. It is like posing an ethical question. Is it right to kill someone if you killing them prevents them from killing somebody else 30 years into the future? That is what I feel the abortion subject is like. And yes. This is stolen from a book. I think it was Freakonomics or Tipping Point. By the way, go read those books. They are cool.

While you are at it. Read the World is Flat. Talks about the future of the world and how we all need to come up with our own specialized skill. I think my skill in the world is telling people the truth. It is hard to tell the truth. Most people like lying to their self. I do too. But for the most part I believe in honesty. And honesty is my bankable skill.

I used to think my perfect day would include love making all day long. I once heard P. Diddy say that he made love for 26 hours. That is a lot of time. That is love. I think I would need dinner and a couple of movies in there to make a 26 hour session happen. I think I could last maybe 3 hours. And that would be stretching my pure will power to the limits.

The future is coming. It is a good thing. If you didn't have the future you wouldn't have happiness. Because it is that feeling of waiting for something that is so cool. It keeps us striving and moving towards something. These ramblings are getting too long. Another day. Another day. I could go on and on but what's the point.

feb 11 2007

so what has been going on in the life of blank in the last month. It has been a month since the last time I updated and I felt maybe i should write something down so that i can remember what has happened.

i've been drinking a lot. nothing excessive but i have been drinking after work with co-workers and drinking alone at bars. that only happened one friday night because i just really had to have a drink. maybe I am an alcoholic. i think I am. i went to this bar called joe sent me. no, joe did not send me there but they had a really cool sign outside and it lead me into the bar. the bar was nice and had a lot of great beers on tap. a big plus for me. it had nice seating for a big group and darts to play... another nice addition. i saw people drinking these margaritas out of fish bowls. it was the craziest thing i had seen all night. there was a lot of booze in those fish bowls and lots of juice as well. the thing came with three straws. i think it was not meant to be consumed alone but as a communal event. no, i did not drink one alone.

i've been going to chili's to drink after work. I work at the macaroni grill which owns chilis as well. it is a brilliant strategy for the company. they make us pay half off for lunch and then we drink all of our hard earned money away at their bar down the street. it is fucking genius i must say. it's like they make us work for free.

moving into cambridge real soon. in fact i sleep there some nights... mostly wednesday nights when i go out to bars in boston and feel to lazy to drive back to lexington. it is always nice having a second home. i quit my job recently and will be looking for work in boston at another restaurant. so i will be in cambridge a lot more now.

been doing the church thing and reading the bible and doing some praying. that stuff is going well. i got this bible on cd thing and listen to it while i drive my car. it is fun listening to jesus while i drive. it puts me in a good mood and i feel like the light of the world or more godly in a way.

new things that i have learned and have been working on. first thing is posture. it is important to have good posture. i always try to sit up strait, drive my car with a strait back and walk around with good posture. it makes me feel more confident. in fact, when i first started doing it people would call me faggot, loser, and all type of nasty things. i think it comes from the fact that when someone is doing something that takes him to another place of betterment people want to drag that person down... or they reall think that i am a faggot, loser, and china man... well i am a china man... sort of.

strange but true. they think i am bisexual at the restaurant. i like flirting with gay guys despite being hetero. i think it comes from the fact that somebody likes you. that makes me feel good inside. i like it when people like me. like this one gay dude is always grabbing my nipples. that doesn't really scare me. when he went for my inner thigh i got scared. i said... dude, thats gay. best way to test someone if they are gay. go for that inner thigh. if they back away and are afraid they must not be gay. the other gay test is the flick on some gay porn. if you get an errection you are a certified fag. that test was told to me by a friend. i have watched some gay porn before and no errection. horray. i'm strait. but still, i think everyone has a little bit of bi-curiosity.

current books i have been reading. i read on truth, some book about charming people, the world is flat, and norwegian wood. currently reading atlas shrugged. i want to finish that book. it is 1000 fucking pages. what a thick fucking book. but i am going to do it. i am going to read 100 books this year. that is the goal.

been working out and going to the sauna. i like the sauna like i've probably mentioned before. something about being naked in high heats that facilitates conversation. i would like to be in a sauna with a sexy lady. that is a dream that has been running in my mind recently.

lastly, a strange thing that i have been doing recently is talking to myself. i talk to myself and do it while looking at a mirror. i feel weird while i do it but i really get to know myself real well. sometimes i just sit and stare at myself. it is my newest hobby and i am loving it. what do i say to myself? well i would rather not say. okay what the heck... i'll let you guys know. i tell myself to stop watching porn, stop jerking off, and go to the gym and work out. go do this and go do that. those type of things. nothing earth shattering.

got this girls number. i talk to myself while looking in the mirror and wonder... what to do... what to do...

oh yea, i met this girl and church and while back. i think i'm in love. i say that a lot though. so i'll see everybody later. have a happy valentines day. i love you. you are a very sexy humaniod.

jan 11 2007

So I was at the bar yesterday and a girl drops a glass and breaks it. Me and my group of friends begin to barrage her with a constant outpouring of ridiculous insulting comments, my personal favorite one being “go back to Canada”, which was said by yours truly. This girl was seriously angry or just horny because she gave me this strange look that said “are you fucking with me? because it makes me hot that you are fucking with me but I'm going to fake like I'm being angry when you say stupid shit like that to me”. We hold eye contact for a good 5 seconds but I don't back down. White women like that don't scare me with their extended stares any more. I figure the whole ordeal is over but then she comes over and tells her friends that I am a big asshole and have caused her great grief. I happen to be sitting right around her when she is going off on me but she has the decency to have me join the conversation. Since we are at The Kells and are enjoying our consumption of $1 beers out of plastic cups, I instantly know that she is a classy lady because she is drinking out of glassware. I point that out to her group and to her in a sarcastic tone that she is ONE classy lady. She doesn't take it very well and I tell her “alright, I buy you a one dollar beer... because you are worth it”. Apparently this comment did not make her happy either and she asks why I would tell her to go back to Canada. She also asks if I am from Canada because I'm wearing a Roots T-shirt. Obviously Roots is a Canadian company but I can't let her win. I make up bullshit that Roots is an American established country and its clothing is called roots because of its American roots. I think she likes the game so she points out her best friends dad owns the Roots company. Now I don't know who is more full of shit. Your best friends dad owns Roots or Roots is an American company. I fail to call her out on it. She then tells me that her boyfriend is 6 foot 4 and he will kick my ass. I don't know why I say this but I tell her to “bring it on”. I figure that she was bull shitting me about having a best friends dad who owns the Roots company, maybe she is bullshitting about having a 6 foot 4 boyfriend. Well. Apparently she wasn't lying. But on a side note, it's a good thing that he was tall and lanky. So I'm smoking a cigarette outside and she comes out with her walking tree of a boyfriend. Believe me, I'm kinda scared because I don't like fighting and this guy might come fight me. It is a good thing I know the art of punching people in the balls and stomping on faces. I learned it on the playground when I was 5. I was taking down clowns twice my size when I was a young boy. She keeps egging him on to come kick my ass but I think that he thinks I must know kung-fu or something. I mean, why else would a 5 foot 4 Asian man fuck with a girl who said she had a 6 foot 4 boyfriend. Must be fucking kung-fu. So the big guy pussies out and walks away. I still think this girl has the hots for me. She kept giving me funny looks all night. But they were flirtatious looks. I think if I pounded her boyfriends ass she would have been mine. So my next new years resolution goal is to LEARN KUNG-FU. HIYA fellas. Karate chopping to the new motherfucking year baby.

jan 10 2007

So I am addicted to xanga and getting eprops. who knew that something so stupid could entertain me. it's all about power to me. like i want to get more and more of something so irrelevant. I want to know that someone in the world has read what i had to say and has validated me through a comment or something. a message of their presence. it's dumb and stupid.

And the world will keep on turning. and that's what i think. I think i have to earn more money. eat more food. and go to california. that is what is on my mind right now. i don't know why i want to go. okay i do know. i want to go because of the california dreams i have there. nice weather. nice girls. beautiful women. beautiful women. i just want hotties. i don't know why i have this obsession with hot women. i just have it. and i have this hunger inside to do them. like it would validate my life. that it would mean something to me. to make people envious of me would bring me some type of great joy. why is that? it is that deep inside satisfaction of knowing one thing that i am better than you are. how stupid and trite. but if you are a hot girl all you would mean to me would be another number on a list of women i need to devour. so trite and meaningless. but yet providing meaning and direction for me.

like i think about my other options. like being a good christian and attempting to convert more people. to battle peoples minds for the sake of god. and i don't feel like doing it. i feel no motivation to do it. it's not that i don't care but i think it is because i don't want to offend people. all this talk about being myself and i'm most scared to tell people about my thoughts about god. i think it's because i've asked people do they mind and they say yes i do mind and i stop. people mind because they hate it when you preach to them. i probably preach and come off as i'm better than you type of attitude. it is almost instinctual. i want god. god god god.

reading a book called norwegian wood. it's by some japanese author. it's pretty good. it has some weird parts to it. i want to read 100 books this year. more than 100. i want to read 400. i have no idea how i'm going to do that. i want to soak up the worlds knowledge and then be superman because i have all this head knowledge. like all this thing in my brain but not knowing how to use it. like a midget with a 100 pound club. like i need to get stronger so i can beat people up with my club. i have no idea where this is going.

so i work at the macaroni grill and it is surprising to know that 80% of my male co-workers are homosexual. fucking strange. but then i've heard that most people in the service industry that are male are gay. WHAT THE FUCK? i always find myself in these gay situations. maybe my thirst for hot women is only to bypass the fact that i am really a flaming homo inside. i doubt it though. this is the ultimate gay test. if you have gay porn and you don't get an erection than you are not gay. if you get one and get turned on than you are a big homo. one of my friends told me about this test and how it was used in a fraternity to find out which pledges were gay. funny test. so yes, i get hard when i think of hot women, not guys. like i could stare at a guys butt and think, wow, that's a nice ass but not get hard. i would only be admiring a nice ass. but when i stare at a womens ass i would think wow, that's a nice ass and i'd like to put my woo woo in her ha ha. whatever that means...

oh yes, what would 2007 without having any goals. so here is a list of them. go to california for a couple of months. eat crazy shit. make more and more money. read more and more bible. find a steady girlfriend. do hotties. become more and more comfortable in my own skin. read more books and pray to the almighty god of the universe. i think i want to eat a night crawler. like those guys on the tv show guiness book of world records. that would be interesting. or a live octopus. like on this video i saw on livedigital.com. that's about it. i'm done and i have to go do something more and more productive than write in my web journal spitting out useless bullshit. no more stories. no more fun. see you later world. see you later.

oh more goals to accomplish. work out and get a rock hard body with more muscles on it. read 400 books. get a big brain. get huge. and practice this strange penis enlarging technique i read about somewhere that is suppose to make your cock 5 inches bigger. i hope that my rod doesn't fall off because of it.

which brings me to this strange dream i had the other night. it was of this big fat women with huge knockers. and i made love to her. i felt so disgusted with myself afterwards. no, actually i enjoyed it during the time. like i was horny or something. and then i woke up. the girl i did it with had the name of one of my co-workers but was not my co-worker. it was somebody from my past with the same name. so my co-worker is pretty hot and the person of my past is a fat ass. i think i dreamed about the name and then accidentally had a dream about the wrong person. oh well.

weekend was fun. went to foxwoods with my friends and did not gamble. something about gambling i don't like. i feel like it is too much based on chance. there is a way to win but it's like a computer program. you just have to know what you are doing. become a pro gambler? maybe in another life time. which brings me to the book bringing down the house.

it's this book about these people who go off and figure out a system to always win at a card game. they make tons and tons of money off their venture at the expense of some casinos. they are baned from certain places and their faces are known. and that's the story. sound pretty cool though. like all you have to do is find a loophole and beat the system and you will be rich. money is always made at the expense of another individual.

maxtor hard drive. and i'm done. farewell and have a nice day.

jan 8 2007

I just finished reading the book The Game and it has dawned upon me that I don't know myself anymore and I might have been chasing something that I might not want at the end.

Let me recap. For the last two years I have been spending my time learning self-help material and pick-up girls material. It has taught me everything from body language, social communication to many other skills in my life. I do feel like a better person. Like I have improved a lot. I think I walk and talk with more confidence these days. I don't back down from people and am less afraid to voice my opinions. These are all positive things. But I think the deep root of all my movement towards improving myself is to prove something to the world. That I am somebody and that I am great. But when I really think about it who really cares about how great I am? Pretty much nobody. Do you care how much money your neighbor makes? Just because somebody has more money than you does it make him better than you.

I think back to this story in the bible that was explained by a pastor once. He said that there was a man walking down the street. He was called gold finger because his hand was glistening with nice jewelry. People respected gold finger because he had the gold. Then there was a bum walking down the street. people did not respect him because he was a walking piece of shit. When the two entered into the church gold finger got the royal treatment while walking piece of shit got no attention. And here is where god tells us that both men are equal and we are heathens for treating gold finger better than the bum. That nothing separates and we all need more in our lives. I would go into some type of preaching but I don't want bother people with it. The moral is to treat both gold finger and the bum the same. They are not different though on the outside it may appear that way.

So anyways, I've been trying to change myself into this master player or pimp. I think this stems from getting hurt by girls when I was younger. To be honest, I've never had a girlfriend before. I'm age 23 and thats strange for me. I probably just haven't found the right girl. But I have fallen in love before and been dumped. And that really hurts. Nothing hurts worse than getting dumped. It makes you feel inferior. I remember the first time I ever felt that pain of not getting something that you want.

This story takes me back to my high school years and a jr. prom. Let's just say I did not go to the prom with the girl of my dreams at the time. I went with a perfectly attractive women yet I could not even see that. Love is such a funny and blinding thing. You cannot see the beauty that is in front of you but yearn for something you do not have. I guess it is like anything in the world that you want but do not have. It drives you nuts and you will do anything to get a Wii because you want one and you cannot have one. So you will wait in line for 2 days to get it. So things of value take time to acquire. If it was easy to get than people would not respect it. Maybe that is why Christianity is so undervalued. God is offering you eternal life for free and all you have to do is believe that Jesus died for you on a cross. It seems so fucking elementary. If you do A then you get B. But since it is so easy to do it is undervalued. Like jumping through countless hoops in life of getting more money, buying nicer things, and eating better and getting into better shape are highly valued because these things are hard to get. But not Christianity or religion. Any tom, dick, or mary can get it freely anytime they want it.

Another time I got my heart broken was in college. I met this girl freshman year and I think she was the exact polar opposite from me. Its so silly of me. I told her I loved her because I read it in a Maxim magazine. One time in Maxim magazine it said that you should say you love somebody after doing them a couple of times. So i said it. But i think I really meant it. Like I really loved her. Something strange happens when you do somebody. Like you are really connected to them. And i don't think i was ready for it. It emotionally consumed my mind and I was left in a super funk. So that is story number two of my messed up love life. I think it was true love. But when i think of true love i think of the movie the princess bride. It is strange how you want things to end up just like the movies. I want happily ever after. I really want it. Where is it? I also realize that happily ever after probably takes a crap load of work. Am I ready for it? Maybe. I think I am... soon.

Some other girls broke my heart in college. I think I have this fragmented heart. And I've probably spent the last two years trying to put it back together. I think I have. I think I've found myself and am comfortable. I think I got the Elmer's glue for that heart of mine and I feel funny yet whole again. I can't help smile while I write that last sentence.

So I look around me and think that for this new year I'm going to focus on pouring more of my efforts into God. I really believe in this God stuff. I think it is real. I do not know why but I believe it.

When I was a kid I had this bible that had pictures in it. My mom wrote in the first page a bible verse. I still remember it. Well I remember the gist of it. It goes something like this

Some trust in chariots, some trust in horses, but i truth in the name of the Lord.

I would translate it into modern times as

Some trust in Bling, some believe in money, women and booze, but I like God and I think he is cool. I will do the right thing and trust in this thing that you cannot see, smell, hear or taste. Am I crazy? I do not know but I trust in it. It is like intuition and dreams. Some how you know that something is talking to you but it can not just say it outright. So it tells you in another way.

Well this is my long irrelevant post. I hope you enjoyed reading it. I am sure you were at work with nothing better to do than check xanga. It is okay. I like reading xanga too. It is a fun hobby to write a real thought. What better is the truth and honesty.

jan 3 2007

I stare at the menu with it's plethora of choices on it. I think to myself... life is a lot like a menu at a restaurant. You have so many dishes to choose from and sometimes you get paralysis analyzing what to eat. Does it really matter what the fuck you eat? Like will one flavor of deliciousness be more tasty than the other flavor. Will one bite of this dish change your fucking life? Who knows, it could. Like when a meatball goes into your mouth and it has those special seasonings because of a secret recipe that only Grandma Moses could come up with is put in your mouth, you feel like you've been let into another world. You feel like you've been given a special opportunity to experience something in life that no one else has ever had the fortune to taste. You've been given magical in your mouth. So I think back to the menu and my selection of women in the past. I think, I've had some okay dishes, some semi-tasty ones, and some real bad apples. And why would I eat a bad apple? To prevent you from eating and to let you know to not eat bad apples. How could one appreciate a tasty fresh apple without eating a bad one to start with. So life has it's dynamic push and pulls. It's the variation in it that keeps it entertaining. What apple to eat next? That is the question. I'm not really super hungry right now but I will be. You want to eat but not eat to excess. Why get so full and be unable to function. You want it just right. Like 70-80% full so you still have some room for desert. GOD I LOVE DESERT. Something about sweets after salty dishes just puts things into a roundabout perfection. It is heaven on earth. And that's it for me today. just a thought. Something in my mind. A writing to practice writing. Enjoy the new years to all. Cheers my friends. Cheers.